The pain

Joint pain (Pic source: Google.com)

I still remembered it was started on my first day. It had been so long I had not done any work and it was inevitable that the back of my right shoulder and the left side of my back were terribly pain for the whole night. The Japanese koyo (medicated plaster) that I bought from my trip recently was made in a very good use. Two patches were pasted on the different parts of my skin and it worked really effectively. The pain was gone the next morning, like a miracle!!!

Few days after I had no problem at all. It seemed that my body had adjusted to the rhythm and the movement. Even before my period came, my body seemed so energetic. I could do so much work in a day within short period of time, and nothing happened. I heard complains from every one else about how pain their knees were from the long standing. But they were all in their sixties and above, not young chap like me. So, inevitable right?

Until about two weeks later, I felt my left ankle swollen for no reason. Well, there might be a reason - standing up too long - but it would not make sense. I mean, I had no complain when walking a lot usually. But swollen ankle and I had to walk limping was quite a bad sign. Not only that. My back shoulder and near butt part were paining too!!! OMG!

That night my dear was kindheartedly rubbing the muscle pain reliever cream onto all affected parts of my body. Earlier, I too rubbed the Chinese medicated ointment that claimed able to reduce swollen into the ankle. Miraculously, those efforts done last night, plus love and hearts put onto it, able to make the pain disappeared!!! Wow!!! The next morning, I would be able to walk like nothing ever happened!!!

Enough sleep and rest helped the process of the recovery too!!!

Then, the week after that. The pain came almost every day in different parts of my body.

One day, it attacked the back part of my left foot. Another day, the pain attacked my whole neck area. The next day, it numbed my right hand - a bit swollen - looked like water retention, but soon reduced when afternoon came. The other day it attacked my left wrist. After that my upper part of right arms. Then left upper arms. It just came and went non-stop, testing my patience and endurance.

The past few days it attacked my left knees. When I squatted down, the pain was there and it made me wanting to cry. One time I felt like just staying at home and doing nothing but taking a rest. But the pain would go after it gave me enough pain, disappeared miraculously, just like that.

Another time, I had to take the painkiller to remove the pain.

I had the urine and blood check up. Just nice, the check-up time arrived. A week later, the doctor told me the result was fine. Nothing was there to worry about. She said, it was normal to feel the pain. If unbearable, take the painkiller. What an advise!!!

I was still considered young and not reaching retirement age yet. However, my body was worse than people in those ages. I was wondering if I did not have this SLE, would I still experience all these pain??? Or would I feel nothing and lived normally, as if nothing happened and sleep would remove my tiredness and that was it???

The pain could be unbearable sometimes. Like I could not even dry my back part of my body with towel when my upper arms were in pain. And it made me thinking, that one day, I might have to live with a support of other people's help - instead of independently taking care of my self. I could not imagine for that day to come. If I was lucky enough, I would have had enough money to put myself inside the nursing home, where there would be other people able to take care of me, even for doing such simple daily activity. Haizzz.... Of course, I did not want this to happen.

And I knew, no matter how much I did to prevent this to happen, it would still happen anyway. Because it was not under my control - where, when, how it would happen. I could only tell myself, that this pain was only temporary. It was there to rinse my bad karma away, to let me feeling the pain from all bad deeds I did from the past actions. Nothing lasted forever anyway and things would change all the time. So, just let it come, and let it go, everything would gonna be alright.

Outer Mongolia - Places to Visit in Ulaanbaatar (Part 2)

First time flying with Mongolian Airlines

It was my first time flying with MIAT (Mongolian Airlines). It was such a joy to experience the different types of airlines while traveling. Each airline represents the country where they were from. The first thing I loved doing after boarding to the plane was to take out their in-flight magazine and read it. In there, I could find many information about people, places, and so on. It made me understanding more about the country and their culture as well.

Chinggis Khaan International Airport - Outer Mongolia

Chinggis Khan International Airport was located 18 km southwest of the capital, Ulaanbaatar city. By the time we reached, the sky had already turned dark. We were transferred immediately to our hotel - Bayangol Hotel - to have a rest.

On second day onward we started traveling and first, we visited places in the capital.

1. Bogd Khan Winter Palace Museum

The front part of Bogd Khan Winter Palace Museum - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

It was built between 1980 to 1903. It used to be the winter palace where the 8th Jebtsundamba Khutagt (the spiritual head of Gelug lineage of Tibetan Buddhism in Mongolia), who was also the last King of Mongolia, known as Bogd Khan, and his Queen Dondogdulam - the White Tara - lived and ruled the country for over twenty years. Now it had become one of the oldest and most valuable museums in Mongolia.

The beautiful Peace and Happiness Gate with 2 flag poles - Bogd Khan Winter Palace Museum

At the front part of the Bogd Khan's green palace you could find the Shield Wall (the grey wall on the left), the Peace and Happiness Gate with 2 flag poles (the gate on the right) - to commemorate Mongolia's independence, plus the Three Open Pavilion Gates (the gate in the middle) with no door, where the King and Queen used to welcome the high ranking nobles, state officials, and monks. The gates with no door represented all the goodness and fine things of the universe constantly entering and flowing through their open doors.

Bogd Khan Palace Complex housing the seven 'wisdom glorifying' temples

The Bogd Khan Winter Palace - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

The palace complex was separated into 2 sections: the seven 'wisdom glorifying' temples and the winter palace. After the Queen passed away in 1923 and the Bogd Khan in 1924, their possession of historical, cultural, and artistic values, idols, ethnographical items and household items along with a variety of stuffed animals were transferred to this museum. Many interesting items included Bogd Khan's throne, bed, his ornate ceremonial ger lined with skins of 150 leopards, a pair of ceremonial boots given by Russian Tsar Nicholas II, a cloak made of 80 foxes skin, and so on. They were amazingly beautiful and worth the visit! :)

2. Zaisan Memorial at Zaisan Hill

The outer part of the Zaisan Memorial - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

Zaisan Memorial was built on top of the Zaisan Hill to commemorate the Soviet soldiers who had fought and sacrificed during the WWII. They had protected, gained freedom and independence for the Mongolian's People Republic.

The inner part of Zaisan Memorial - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

The monument itself resembled the Mongolian fireplace, symbolizing life. It featured a circular memorial painting that depicted the scenes of friendship between the people of the USSR and Mongolia.

Posing with Mongolian falcon from the top of the Zaisan Hill

Ulaanbaatar with Tuul River view from Zaisan Hill - Mongolia

From this place you could see the panoramic view of the entire city of Ulaanbaatar together with the Tuul River flowing past the city.

3. National Museum of Mongolia

National Museum of Mongolia - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

The National Museum of Mongolia was established in 1924. The museum contained many historical, archeological, and ethnographical artifacts from prehistorical time to the contemporary era.

National Museum of Mongolia Timetable

There were 9 halls inside displaying items according to historical periods and themes, such as: the ancient history of Mongolia, ancient states, traditional clothing and jewelry, the Mongolian empire, traditional culture, traditional life, artifacts from 17th century to the beginning of 20th century, the socialist Mongolia era, and the democratic Mongolia era.

With background picture of Genghis Khan - National Museum of Mongolia at Ulaanbaatar

For a first timer like me, it was a good place to learn about the Mongolian history. As mentioned earlier, I could learn about their earlier life, their tradition, culture, lives, and so on. And when you heard about Mongolia, you would also hear about its famous founder and first great Khan of the Mongolia empire - Genghis Khan, born with name of Temujin (1162-1227).

Other than Indonesian history, I never learned about other countries' history. To prepare myself before visiting this country, I spent some time to learn about him from this BBC documentary. So at least I had slightly idea about who and what the guide was talking about :)

4. Sukhbaatar Square

Sukhbastar Square 

Previously known as Chinggis Square, was the central square of Ulaanbaatar. It was located at the heart of the city and surrounded by iconic buildings, such as: the Government (State) Palace, Mongolian Stock Exchange building, State Opera and Ballet Academic Theater, Central Cultural Palace, and so on.

Sukhbaatar Statue - in the middle of Sukhbaatar Square - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

A large statue of Sukhbaatar stood in the middle of the square. He was one of the leaders of Mongolia's 1921 revolution and who had declared Mongolia's final independence from China. This square was named after him.

Government Palace with monuments of Genghis Khan, Ogedei Khan, and Kublai Khan - Ulaanbaatar

There you could find the monuments of Genghis Khan, Ogedei Khan (third son of Genghis Khan and second Great Khan of the Mongol empire), and Kublai Khan (the fifth Great Khan of the Mongolian empire) - at the Government (State) Palace facing the Sukhbaatar Square.

In front of Genghis Khan monument - Sukhbaatar Square - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

5. Gandantegchinlen Monastery

The front gate of Gandantegchinlen Monastery - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

The first monastery (Gungaachoiling Datsan) was built back in 1809 by the order of 5th Jebtsundamba Khutuktu. In 1838, it was moved into the present location and built along with his private residence. In 1938 the monastery was closed (due to the influence of Communist government) and reopened in 1944. And with the end of Marxism in 1990, restriction on worship was lifted. They started building it again and now it has grown into Buddhist schools, University, library and temples housing hundreds of monks, even hospital, and it is still growing now.

Feeling blessed at Gandantegchinlen Monastery - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

Gandantegchinlen - this Tibetan name was translated into "The Great Place of Complete Joy". This place was indeed upholding its name. Let me share you my experience.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, one of my great motivations visiting Mongolia was to visit Buddhist temples. And this temple was one of them. The night I reached Mongolia, I sprained my back when lifting my luggage up into the luggage rack inside the hotel. If you ever sprained your back before, you would know how painful it was!!! I had it once before that and it took me few weeks to recover. So that night, I was feeling horrible!!! It was only my first night reaching Mongolia and there were 7 more days to go!!!

"How can I prostrate fully if my back is paining tomorrow?? It is one of the temples I really wanted to visit!!!" That was the first thought that came into my mind. Followed by, "How can I participate on those activities stated in the itinerary???" - I was referring to horse and camel riding, walking and exploring nature, and so on.

I could not sleep well that night. Went to bed at 12 midnight but managed to sleep only at 2 am. That too, I was awoken 3 times for toilet visit (the cooling air made me visiting toilet easily). At 5 am, the summer sky in Mongolia had turned bright, and I was awoken by it. I slept all night with the pain and despite of cooling air, my body was sweating.

Walking path towards the main temple - Gandantegchinlen Monastery, Ulaanbaatar

The next morning the pain was still lingering there. I had to walk, stand, and sit down slowly. Since we visited so many places in a day, I had to bear with the pain in order to enjoy my trip. This temple was the last place to visit on the day. As I went down from the bus, Sherab asked me how my back pain felt like. I told him, the pain was still there. Then we had to walk a distance to reach the main temple.

In front of the main temple - Gandantegchinlen Monastery - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

In the entrance, I was distracted and forgot about my pain when they said I had to pay Mongolian Tugrik 7,000 if I wanted to take the photos inside the temple (it was common in Mongolia to have such condition including the Palace and Museum that we visited earlier). This time, I was willingly paying the fee because I was longing to visit this temple very much. So I paid the amount and entered.

Gandantegchinlen Monastery - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

I was amazed to see the 26.5-meter-height statue of Megjid-Janraiseg (the Lord who watches in every directions) or Avalokitesvara (Goddess of Mercy and Compassion). I stood for a while, looking up and down throughout the whole statue and smiled for all the joy and happiness for finally meeting Her there.

Despite the statue was not the original that was built back in late 18th century (as it was dismantled by Russian troops in 1938 by the instruction of the Communist government), Mongolian people had built this replica back with all of their hearts and souls; from their donation and hard work, featuring precious stones, silks, gilded with gold leaf, filled with tons of medicinal plants, sutras, and mantra. I could feel their intense loves and devotions there.

Avalokitesvara 26.5-meter-height statue at Gandategchinlen Monastery - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

I put down my bag at the side and started to prostrate three times all the way down to the floor. Amazingly, my back pain was all gone. I continued my prayer after the prostration and I cried. I cried because I felt so much happy and grateful for all the good karma, for the fate to finally visiting this country, this temple, Her, feeling homely (it looked just like I was inside the temple in Tibet itself), and for finally able to prostrate because the pain had disappeared. I was feeling joy for Her love and compassion and very thankful for everything that happened in my life.

Thank you SB, thank you, thank you, and thank you... So, imagine the back pain that usually took weeks to recover, it was suddenly gone after visiting this temple. It was a miracle, at least for me. And yes, it was really the Great Place of Complete Joy... :)

6. Cashmere Factory Store

EVSEG Factory Store in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

Cashmere Factory Store was a must visit place when you went to Mongolia. They had many different shops around the Ulaanbaatar city, such as: Gobi Cashmere Factory Store, Altai Cashmere Factory Store, EVSEG Factory Store, GOYO Cashmere Factory Store, and so on.

You could find a very good quality cashmere with a reasonable price. Most factory store was set with international standards separating man and woman section for the convenient of the customers. As mentioned in previous blog post, Mongolia produced second largest cashmere in the world. So if you really needed one, why not? It could be a great gift to give too!!! And if you were just want to see the whole range of it without traveling to too many shops, just go down to the next place here.

7. State Department Store

State Department Store - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

This place was a must-go place if you liked shopping and wanted to purchase the local products. Established in 1921, this landmark building was the largest and most luxurious store in Mongolia. Here you could find a good quality cashmere located at second floor featuring many different well-known brands of cashmere shops.

Souvenirs were sold at sixth floor. The prices were reasonable too. If you bought more quantity, they offered with cheaper price. This was where I bought most of my souvenir!!!

It had supermarket as well on the ground floor offering many food and beverage (including Mongolia liquor). A really one stop shop for everything that you need. Highly recommended!!! :)

And if you did not have enough Mongolian Tugrik on hand, worry not, as you could pay using US dollar with the rate converted directly on the spot at the cashier (No need to trouble yourself to find money changer).

8. Tumen-Ekh Folk Song and Dance Ensemble

Tumen-Ekh Folk Song and Dance Ensemble - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

This was another must-do thing when you visited Ulaanbaatar, which was watching the Mongolian traditional folklore show. With our tour, we were brought to this place called Tumen-Ekh Folk Song and Dance Ensemble. and according to the reviews of many others, this place was simply the best. Not based on the stage and theater condition, but the quality of the performers. In fact the place was quite small and really packed of tourists like us. The later you reached, you had to sit down using pillows underneath on the staircases and some had to sit on the floor very close to the stage (due to the seat space constraint). So better to come in much earlier before the show started. The performances, other than singing, dancing, playing the various traditional musical instruments, and acrobats, they also showed us about how the Shamanism was usually being done. There was religious mask-dance that was pretty similar with Tibetan mask-dance with the old man with white hair and happy smiling face as one of the main characters.

A fantastic Mongolian throat singer :) - Tumen-Ekh - Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia

But my favorite was the performance done by the man on the picture above. He was performing the Mongolian throat-singing. I found it very unique and required a great amount of efforts and talent to perform. The overall show lasted for about an hour and it was really worth visiting!!

Well, there were many other places that you could visit in Ulaanbaatar that I did not mention here (since I did not go), such as: Choijin Lama Temple, National Amusement Park, various museum, theater, and so on. If you had many days to spare, then you could check for more recommended places to go. But if your time was quite limited, then the above places should have been good enough to visit. Next post would cover other places outside Ulaanbaatar. Stay tune! :)

Yoga Therapy

Inner peace

Called it lucky? Or attracted by the positive vibes?

Few weeks ago when we had the normal Yoga class, our Yoga teacher told M, my yoga partner, that she had something for her since M had pain on one of her arms and reduced her ability when practicing the usual yoga poses. At first, I thought she would bring something like medication for her. Later on, she explained further that she was currently furthering her study in Yoga, majoring in yoga therapy class and she wanted to find some students to practice her teaching skill, which hopefully would bring benefit to the person.

“Yoga therapy is the adaptation of yoga practices for people with health challenges. Yoga therapists prescribe specific regimens of postures, breathing exercises, and relaxation techniques to suit individual needs. Medical research shows that Yoga therapy is among the most effective complementary therapies for several common ailments.” - Yoga Biomedical Trust (England) - Robin Monro, Ph.D.

Short to say, our teacher would give my friend a special additional class, only to teach her about the yoga therapy to deal with her challenges. Then I told her about my SLE. She said that I too, could join this special class. Both of us would receive different treatments and have separate class in the beginning. Once we both familiar with the technique then we would attend the combined class together. So, other than our usual one-hour class, we would attend additional half an hour class, before our usual class was started.

As a first step, we had to fill up the form with our particular and challenge’s details. We had to state our condition over there so that she would know what kind of yoga therapy that she would teach us.  A week later, we started the class.

As for SLE, she mentioned that according to Western side, the cause of the disease was still unknown and to deal with it, was to suppress the immune system by eating medication regularly. But from Eastern side, they believed that all source of disease would come from stress, and that included SLE.

However, I believed in what she was saying. I’d read somewhere else that when people had cancer, they cured it without medication but just by being happy and stress-less – by watching funny movies all day; some went for meditation (to relax their body and mind), and after some time the cancer disappeared, or it even could prolong their life span. Not sure how true it was, but I believed that we had to relax, mind set in peace, no stress, have positive mindset, exercise regularly, and watch our diet in order to have a happier and healthy life.

We have joined the classes for almost one month by now. She taught both of us about breathing exercises. There were 4 types of breathing exercises (Pranayama) that she taught, which were:

Vishnu Mudra (Pic source: sarmoung.wordpress.com)

1. Alternative Nostril Breathing or Anuloma Viloma. In here, we adopted the Vishnu Mudra where our right thumb was to close the right side of nostril; index and middle finger were tucked in; and leave the ring and little fingers opened to close the left side of the nostril.

We started by taking a deep breath, covered the right nostril using the right thumb and exhaled using the left nostril. After that, we covered the left nostril with the ring and little finger, inhaled from the right nostril slowly and deeply. We exhaled using the left nose by covering the right nostril with right thumb, then inhaled using the same left nose, exhaled using the right nose by covering the left nostril, and continued the steps for nine sets. Each inhalation and exhalation was done and counted slowly for about four to six counts.

Alternative Nose Breathing or Anuloma Viloma
(Pic source: Medicina Indiana)

Since our nose was directly linked to our brain and nervous system, for thousands of years the Indian yogis believed that many diseases were connected to disturbed nasal breathing. It’s said that left nostril was for calming purpose while right nostril was for energy.

By practicing this, the purpose was to help restore imbalances in your brain. It could revitalize our energy (clear and boost the energy channel), cleanse our lungs, improve our sleep, calm the emotional state and nervous system (calm our mind), and also improve our brain function.

2. Sectional Breathing or Vibhágiya Svasana. In sectional breathing, it came with three different parts and the forth one was the combination of the three of them. Here, we sat up in cross-legged position, with head, neck and spine straight, both eyes closed, placed both hands on the thighs, and relaxed.

Abdominal Breathing or Adhama Svasa
(Pic source: Yoga Sudha)

a. Abdominal Breathing or Adhama Svasa – inhaled slowly, let the air passed through until the abdomen bulged out and exhaled slowly until the abdomen was drawn inwards. Repeated this breathing for five times, did it slowly, smooth, and continuously.

Thoracic Breathing or Madhyama Svasa
(Pic source: Yoga Sudha)

b. Chest Cage / Thoracic Breathing or Madhyama Svasa – instead of breathing to the abdomen, here, we inhaled and expanded our chest cage forwards fully then slowly exhaled all the air inside the chest cage out. Repeated this for another five times.

Clavicular Breathing or Adya Svasa
(Pic source: Yoga Sudha)

c. Clavicular / Upper Lobar Breathing or Adya Svasa – when inhaled, raised the collar bones and shoulders upwards and exhaled dropping down the shoulder slowly. Repeated this for five times.

Full Yogic Breathing or Purna Svasa
(Pic source: Yoga Sudha)

d. Full Yogic Breathing or Purna Svasa – combined inhalation all the three sections of the sectional breathing above (below, middle and upper part) slowly and fully, then exhaled it out slowly either from below, middle then upper or from upper, middle, then below section. Choose either one and repeated it for five times.

The benefits of this breathing was also to acquire more energy and vitality, calm our body and mind, think clearly and improve our brain function. This breathing exercise could help in lower down our blood pressure (very useful for those who had hypertension or high blood pressure).

3. Light Skull Breathing or Kapalabhati Pranayama – was a cleansing technique to cleanse our lungs, sinuses, and respiratory system, which could help to prevent illness and allergies; and also, was useful for mind detoxification and purification.

By doing a regular practice it could strengthen the diaphragm and abdominal muscles in our body (could also improve our body tone). It helped to increase the body’s oxygen supply, which stimulated and energized our brain while preparing it for meditation and work that requires high focus.

Light Skull Breathing or Kapalabhati Pranayama
(Pic source: google.com)

How to do it? We sat up in cross-legged position, with head, neck and spine straight, both eyes closed, placed both hands on the thighs. Took a deep breath and exhaled forcing the breath out in a short burst, making a puffing sound. Focused our mind on the exhalation, and not the inhalation. When exhaled, drew the abdominal muscles inward simultaneously. The abdomen part should have risen when inhaled and retracted back when exhaled. She asked us to do it in fifties (could be increased to sixties or more) for three times with a break in between each set. Just to take note, that whenever women had menses, she advised us not to practice this. Not suitable for pregnant woman too.

Bellows Breathing or Bhastrika Pranayan pose
(Pic source: satyaliveyoga.com.au)

4. Bellows Breathing or Bhastrika Pranayana - We sat up in cross-legged position, with head, neck and spine straight, both eyes closed, placed both hands on the thighs. Inhaled forcefully through both nostrils, made sure the lungs were full with air. Once you inhaled fully, exhaled it out with great force and made hissing sound. You should feel the air movement in the chest cage area. Did it 20 times each set rapidly and practiced three sets daily. Those who had high blood pressure or heart disease should not practice this breathing.

The benefits of this breathing exercise were to remove toxins and cure illness of respiratory tract, boost up the oxygen supply, purify and improve blood circulation, keep the negative thought away, calm our mind, increase warmth in the body, prevent common cold and other diseases.

Well, those were four type of breathing exercises that our yoga teacher taught us. If you were interested, you could also practice it. However, it’s advisable and preferred that you first received advice from a qualified and knowledgeable yoga teacher before practicing it yourself.

I read it in one of the yoga websites, which said, "By doing the regular practice of Pranayama, we would be able to purify blood and enhance the oxygen flow. Doing it in the early morning would help us to obtain naturally glowing skin. It could be the secret to ageless skin so that we didn’t have to spend so much money on the expensive beauty products to hide our age." Woww!!! Take note gals!!! ;)

After doing research and put the information here, it made me motivated to practice it daily, especially for the benefits in the above paragraph. Lolx! Perhaps I will start doing it every morning before starting my day. For those who had ever learnt about it before, try to practice it again in your daily life with a hope that it would give you health benefits to your body and mind :)

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!! :)

After 5 years of SLE - in conjuction with Until I Say Good-Bye by Susan Spencer

It’s been months since I bought this book: ‘Until I Say Good-Bye – My Year of Living with Joy,’ by Susan Spencer – Wendel with Bret Witter - but only recently I had time to read it. You could find this book under the self-improvement or inspirational story inside the book store.

One of Susan Spencer favorite quote - soon become mine too :)

In June 2011, Susan Spencer-Wendel learned she had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS)—Lou Gehrig’s disease, an irreversible condition that systematically destroys the nerves that power the muscles. While Susan cannot stop the rapid decline of her body and her inevitable death, she refuses to give up on life. A woman of immense strength and indomitable spirit, the forty-five-year-old mother of three has made every day count.

After her diagnosis, Susan began taking special trips: to the Yukon, to see the Northern Lights with her best friend; to Budapest, where she and her husband spent the first two years of their marriage; to Northern California, to meet her birth mother; to Cyprus, the home country of the deceased birth father she never met. But one of her most important adventures was a visit to New York City and Kleinfeld’s Bridal, where she and her fourteen-year-old daughter, Marina—fans of TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress—shared an unforgettably moving experience: shopping for the perfect dress for a wedding Susan will not see.

Now, in this unforgettable memoir, she invites readers on her transformational journey, sharing the gratitude and wisdom that guide her. “I am writing about accepting, about living with joy and dying with joy and laughing a helluva lot in the process.” Until I Say Good-Bye is the fulfillment of her final wish: “To make people laugh and cry and hug their children and joke with their friends and dwell in how wonderful it is to be alive.”

Her story is kind of similar with what I have encountered, only that I am much luckier, well, I am not sure if I am much luckier than her now because I can’t find any reason that supporting my statement. The difference is her deteriorating condition is more visible and faster, and it destroys her nerves slowly day by day. While with SLE, you will never know when it comes and attacks you. Read one of the case that happened to one of my Aunt’s niece here. It can just come as and when it wants to come, like a surprise, some sort of cruel karmic retribution I guess hehe…

While reading her book, I can understand her feeling. There was a rejection when she first found out and she tried to ignore it by not visiting the doctor for 2 years until the other symptom came out. I was quite lucky though to find about my sickness early, therefore I could receive early treatment and not to make it worse. There was also strength on me to accept it because I believed that as human being, we couldn’t run ourselves from the four-cycle of human being – to born, sick, old, and die. Eventually those who were born will die one day.  It’s just how we die that making it different.  I was even grateful to find it out early as I would have known earlier on what I really wanted to do in my life.

In one month’s time it will be five years since I was diagnosed with SLE and here is what I wrote in my blog at that point of time: “What I want is a reasonable time in life that is filled with many meaningful events, do things that what I want and like to do, and most importantly, although separated, I would still be closed and in touch w/ my family, especially my parents, brother and sisters, not forgetting my hubby and son.”

Looking back at five years ago, I am wondering if I’ve lived my life according to what I wished and dreamed for. In fact, I felt like I was being re-born and to live again. ‘Always look on the bright side of life’, ‘be positive’, ‘only remember all the good things and experience’, ‘to love and be loved’, ‘get closer with natures’, ‘traveling to many places I’d never been to’, ‘treasure friendships’, ‘do what I love to do like reading, blogging, sharing positivity with others, encouraging and supporting others in my own way’, ‘keep smiling and make others happy’, and many more. That’s what shaping me of who I am today.

I am not perfect though. I have made mistakes in life too, again and again. I am not a good mother, often made my son angry and irritated when I kept asking him to study and not letting him to play his games on Ipad or computer. I didn’t teach him much on his study as I preferred him to learn his own way as one day when he grows up, he has to depend to no one but himself. I didn’t read him story at night and preferred him to read on his own before sleeping as to let him read more books, to learn more words and grammar and to have the reading habit since young. I let him traveling without us, parents, by his side as I wanted him to grow independently and non-attach to thing as nothing is permanent in this world. Sorry Baobei if you think that your life is miserable because of me, but like what other parents do, they do this for your own good.

I am not a good wife either. I often traveled alone for days or even weeks and left my hubby enjoying his life at home with the rest of the family members. I don’t cook often, only when I have mood. I don’t do housework regularly as I often love to have my own ‘me’ time by reading and writing in my room. I often trouble him with lots of things that I wanted too such as installing cable extension inside our toilet so I could listen to the radio whenever I was there,  driving me to our old neighborhood's market so I could eat my favorite breakfast, buying and installing front side of bicycle's light so I was able to cycle safely at night time, pumping the air of my bicycle's tyres to ensure I had a safe cycling journey at all times, and many more.

I am not a good child too. I don’t call home regularly to ask how my parents doing, how their health is. I don’t cook for them as I am not good at cooking so most of the time when they come to Singapore, we will usually eat outside. I don’t give them money to repay back what they have given to me all this while and even until now they still buy or pay me this and that. Maybe they often feel disappointed with me with thing that I wasn’t aware of.

As for the rest of the siblings, I am not your good sister too sometimes but I tried and did my best to spend time together whenever you all came here. I often travel but I don’t buy many things for you as I have restricted budget and too much desire to visit more places in the world. I call you very seldom and chat only when I’m free but doesn’t mean I didn’t read what you all wrote in the chatting conversation.

For all my friends, we may meet less due to our hectic schedules. We contact through chat sometimes only since lots of us live in different countries.

Whatever it is, I just want you all to know, I love all of you and each of you is always in my heart, deeply and sincerely. I remember all of your kindness and love given to me, for the friendship you all share with me and I’m very grateful to have and know you in my life. I have you in my prayers too that all of you are blessed with good health,  wealth,  luck,  and live full of success,  joy,  and happiness :)

Reasonable time seems like so much time for me. I thought within five years time there should be something bad happened to me, which wasn’t. Thank Buddha that so far my regular check-up has shown me good results with nothing to worry about. I even feel that I live a life just like a normal person, or sometimes I even feel that I’m much healthier than the rest who don’t suffer from SLE.

No matter what, I can’t take it for granted. We will never know how much longer I can live in this world. So I will still stick to my wish that I made five years ago, and keep doing what I do as to benefit more people out there and to bring happiness upon other people’s lives. Hope I can do it! Jia you!!!