I'm kinda in lost right now. Still dunno what to do.
I just realise.. I need someone to be by my side to talk with, to share with, to interact with. Since my hubby got new job, we get less communication. In the morning when I woke up and prepared myself to work, he was still sleeping. At nite, when he came back home, I felt aslept already. We have this scene almost everyday. And these 2 weeks, his days off falls on Monday, where I work and had class after that 'til 9.45pm and only reached home at about 10.45pm.
Gone are the days when we can spend our evening together, either at home or outside for having dinner together or just walk nearby the house. Now I just realise.. I feel lonely.
I told him about the coming family day from my company. He was aware of it but he doesn't have any power to choose his days off and 'til now he's not sure if he's getting that day off although he has requested it 2-3 weeks before.
I'm happy he's got new job. He could try something different from what he used to have. Despite of uncertain day off in a week.. despite of having one day off per week.. despite of working 'til night everyday.. I tried to accept the reality. But the reality gets harsh. I was just thinking.. should I pass my day like this with him?
In my mind right now.. should I have another baby right now? Well, economically, I know it's not easy to have another one.. but eventually, we can make it if we work together hand in hand. But I also know.. we are unsure on how much he is getting every month despite of all sacrifices he had to do for his job. Second, if I really get pregnant, will I able to handle all the journey by myself? I mean.. I need to go check up almost every month and will I able to accept the situation if everytime I go to check up, I have to do it alone 'til the day come? Not even sure if he's able to get the paternity leave or whatsoever on the day I gave birth. I know it's still very faraway if I really plan to have another one.. but mentally, will I able to do it alone??? It's kinda hard. Changing job maybe one of the solutions, but I don't think he can get a much better job w/ his qualification and experience. If he went back to his previous job, maybe the situation would be much better, but how about in the future? He can't possibly do the technical job 'til his old age come.. I still encourage him to work in this line, although I know we have suffered enough, but I'm really scared the time of unemployment would haunt him again and dunno how much time he'd take this time while the saving gets less and lesser.
This evening, in the office, my colleague even supported me to have the second child. Who in the world doesn't want to have more children? I also want it too if I'm able to have it. But it's not just about giving birth.. but also how to make sure that they will have enough to eat.. to wear.. enough education to get through the life.. and it all needs money. On the journey home, I was chatting w/ my colleague.. We talked about child's education. Now the education system demands more attention of parents to teach their children doing their homework, assignment, etc. It's very different w/ last time. I told her, I was worrying my son's education. I'm scared that he can't catch it up when he goes to primary 1. Now he's studying in PAP school and I'm very worried about it if I don't add any lesson from outside and just depending on it.. So I told her, maybe I want to put him into childcare to let him learn to be independent and to learn more knowledge but I actually worry about the fee.. 'cos to put him in childcare, I need to fork out at least 500 sgd monthly. Now it's only one.. if later on another baby comes out.. I don't think the money would be enough for all of us.
Hehehe.. now my worry has changed.. no more individual's desire.. Maybe I think too much.. but hey, that's reality in life.. Both husband and wife must work together hand in hand.. If one is unable to bring a bread and butter to home, then that's it!! But this is my choice before I married him. I know who he is.. I accepted the situation from the beginning. Perhaps I was too young when I got married.. hehehehe.. so now it's a lesson for those who has not got married yet.. to plan properly. Money is not everything, but it is important to be able to go through this hard life. With GST hike coming up.. I think it's time to save more from now on.. and spend less.. *sigh.. Life o life.. stupid life!!!