I thought everyone was busy with their lives and wouldn't have time to listen to me. Or I was afraid that no one understood how I felt. I was almost convinced that all the burden would all be mine.
In such situation it brought myself into a low and negative feeling. Whatever I saw, I heard, and I thought, it all seemed so bad, so negative, and I even found myself complaining most of the time.
I really tried to be a Super Hero, attempting to solve all my problems by myself, which made me thinking so much, looking old and grumpy!!! Uuuhhhh......... :(
Until one day, I started opening myself up, first to my dear Mom. Although I knew I wasn't the closest one in a mother-daughter relationship with her (I had four siblings to fight the love and attention with), but I knew she would listen to me.
That afternoon, the words just flew smoothly right from my heart. She wasn't in a good health, but she was able to empathize me, on what I encountered. She even supported my decision and took side in me.
I shared my burden with my closest sister too. She wasn't only listen to me, but also try consoling me on giving suggestion, support, and alternative on what I should do.
As for my hubby, we met less often ever since he chose to work at night shift. We only met mostly on weekend, and that too, with limited time as he woke up late and had to take a nap before starting his work.
We communicated daily through the phone though but I tried not to burden him with my problem, until one day when I couldn't bear it anymore and briefly told him my situation.
He, just like others, wasn't only listen to me, but also console me, give me his support towards my decision. He told me back on what I always told him when he was feeling down before; that life is short; that we always think on what happen 20-30 years later. But with such thinking, we wouldn't be able to live our life fully in present time.
That's what I love about our relationship. We both supported one another. When one felt down and blue, the other would remind back the value and our purpose in life. We reminded and supported each other morally. I was really touched until tears dropped from my eyes while we were talking on the phone.
Recently I shared with him too about the sudden loss of my friend's younger sister, whom I knew and visited when she was warded in hospital few years ago due to autoimmune disease, worked pretty similar with what I had. Her departure was too fast! I even still chatted with her before my Facebook was deactivated. With the impermanence in life, I valued the present life even more and start planning on what I'd do next.
I thought again over the weekend. At first I thought of becoming a villain. But as I recalled on how I started it all, it brought me to feel immense gratitude towards it and how unkind I would be if I had to part that way.
|I want my smile back!!! :)|
In the end, I decided to be kind and be good, not only to others, but most importantly to myself. Because at the end, what goes around will go around. If I don't want to be treated that way, I'd better not to act that way.
With this I also learnt not to make decision when having an awful mood and emotion. My conscience didn't agree with it. That's why I keep thinking again and again until I reached the decision that made me feeling calm and peaceful.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Although the future is unclear (who will ever able to be sure about the future, anyway), I have only a simple hope that all my dreams in life will come true: that I will live my life with no regrets.
I also believe that with positive mind, I'll be able to conquer it all. As I have decided on what to do, I hope I can get myself back, let my smile appearing again, be kind, and be grateful towards everything, as I used to be. Let's pray and may things go smoothly! Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu... Swathi Hothu. Nammo Buddhaya.