Monday, April 13, 2015

I want my smile back!!!

Since the beginning of the year things weren't going that smooth. One thing led to another. I almost thought I was over stress and even depressed.

I thought everyone was busy with their lives and wouldn't have time to listen to me. Or I was afraid that no one understood how I felt. I was almost convinced that all the burden would all be mine.

In such situation it brought myself into a low and negative feeling. Whatever I saw, I heard, and I thought, it all seemed so bad, so negative, and I even found myself complaining most of the time.

I really tried to be a Super Hero, attempting to solve all my problems by myself, which made me thinking so much, looking old and grumpy!!! Uuuhhhh......... :(

Until one day, I started opening myself up, first to my dear Mom. Although I knew I wasn't the closest one in a mother-daughter relationship with her (I had four siblings to fight the love and attention with), but I knew she would listen to me.

That afternoon, the words just flew smoothly right from my heart. She wasn't in a good health, but she was able to empathize me, on what I encountered. She even supported my decision and took side in me.

I shared my burden with my closest sister too. She wasn't only listen to me, but also try consoling me on giving suggestion, support, and alternative on what I should do.

As for my hubby, we met less often ever since he chose to work at night shift. We only met mostly on weekend, and that too, with limited time as he woke up late and had to take a nap before starting his work.

We communicated daily through the phone though but I tried not to burden him with my problem, until one day when I couldn't bear it anymore and briefly told him my situation.

He, just like others, wasn't only listen to me, but also console me, give me his support towards my decision. He told me back on what I always told him when he was feeling down before; that life is short; that we always think on what happen 20-30 years later. But with such thinking, we wouldn't be able to live our life fully in present time.

That's what I love about our relationship. We both supported one another. When one felt down and blue, the other would remind back the value and our purpose in life. We reminded and supported each other morally. I was really touched until tears dropped from my eyes while we were talking on the phone.

Recently I shared with him too about the sudden loss of my friend's younger sister, whom I knew and visited when she was warded in hospital few years ago due to autoimmune disease, worked pretty similar with what I had. Her departure was too fast! I even still chatted with her before my Facebook was deactivated. With the impermanence in life, I valued the present life even more and start planning on what I'd do next.

I thought again over the weekend. At first I thought of becoming a villain. But as I recalled on how I started it all, it brought me to feel immense gratitude towards it and how unkind I would be if I had to part that way.

I want my smile back!!! :)

In the end, I decided to be kind and be good, not only to others, but most importantly to myself. Because at the end, what goes around will go around. If I don't want to be treated that way, I'd better not to act that way.

With this I also learnt not to make decision when having an awful mood and emotion. My conscience didn't agree with it. That's why I keep thinking again and again until I reached the decision that made me feeling calm and peaceful.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Although the future is unclear (who will ever able to be sure about the future, anyway), I have only a simple hope that all my dreams in life will come true: that I will live my life with no regrets.

I also believe that with positive mind, I'll be able to conquer it all. As I have decided on what to do, I hope I can get myself back, let my smile appearing again, be kind, and be grateful towards everything, as I used to be. Let's pray and may things go smoothly! Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu... Swathi Hothu. Nammo Buddhaya.


Anonymous said...

What happened with u ? I know we r not close enough, however if u need my support n advise for sure u can call and talk to me... U r very lucky dat u r surrounded by peoples who love n care with u such as ur sister, mom n hubby...
For me,if I hv problems I can only crying for a while then I come to God, ask God's favor for his answer n I keep smiling to every body to hide my problems....

Rima Reyka said...

Thank you Anon for your care and concern! But you have to let me know who you are otherwise how can I call and talk to you? :)

I hope you are doing well now and may GBU always!

sancha rai said...

It's more than what normally happens for a common people ...and same thing happens to me timely and now i started taking it normal and aback...thanks for sharing ...

Rima Reyka said...

Thank you for going through Sancha! Hope everything will go well to you too! :)

Dee said...

Dear Rima, if you ever need to talk to or someone to just listen to wat u have to say, you can alys mail me :)

Rima Reyka said...

Thank you Dee for your sincere offer and care. I appreciate it very much! I feel much better right after writing this post, also made final decision to move forward :)

But I'll always remember your open hand. Who knows I'll need it some other time ^^

Rupa KK Gurung said...

Dear maam Rima,
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person, loving mom, caring wife, obedient daughter and a good friend. What’s meant to be will be and what’s not won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. You are lucky that you have your loving hubby, besides you to provide you persistent help. I hope your mother will get well soon and may your friend sister’s soul rest in peace. Be happy and as you have mentioned: Always smile to start a day…
I sent for u I hope it will reach safely to u...<3

Rima Reyka said...

Dear Rupa,

Thank you very much for your encouraging messages here. I appreciate your care, love, and concern so much! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!

Indeed, I am very lucky! Not only I have a loving hubby, parents, siblings, I also have such a friend like you!!! ^^

I know life turns up and down and I hope I can soon go to the upper side of the rail again! Hehe...

Thank you too for your well wishes for my Mom. She is in good health now. And I hope my friend also can rest in peace and born in a better world.

You be happy too and take care! <3

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