The night before you left

Treasure what you have before it is gone

It is half an hour past two in the morning. My eyes are still wide opened. My mind is still active thinking.

Today, I mean yesterday, I was overwhelmed with so many things. About life, life cycle. You know, born, getting old, sick, and die. Those four are part of human's life (if you are lucky enough to grow old before die though).

Before this, I actually tried to do meditation before sleeping. But instead, I was talking to myself and went into deep contemplation, of all the things happening in my life. Confessions too, of what I actually felt.

And before the attempt of doing meditation, I continued watching the Chinese movie that I watched halfway in the afternoon as I was not sleepy yet. It was made based on true story. The title was "Only Yun Knows." (I watch a movie a day lately as I have to stay at home more during Covid time, and every time I just anyhow pick any movie that is available on the website without any idea what the movie story is about).

It is a nice but sad movie about fate and love, sickness and death, hope and dreams that happened in foreign land. Somehow, the main character lady was suffering from cancer. She did operation to remove the tumor, slept for 8 days after the operation - effect of anesthesia, and never got up again. I had a mixture feeling. A sign? Coincidental story?

I just could not sleep. I had feeling that something was going to happen but I tried brushing my feeling off. And whole day, I was not feeling well too actually. That was why I felt a bit emotional about everything.

Tashi and I - Lake Toba, Indonesia (Feb 2019)

In my contemplation, I realized that what seemed real, it was more like a series of illusion now. Especially the things that had happened in the past. All the happiness feeling and wonderful things that happened were just memories today. And what felt so real last time, it felt only like a dream now. We could not keep it the same for the current and present time. As time went by, things changed, people changed. Many things happened. No matter how beautiful the story was, it soon had turned into the past. You could never keep it the same.

And also, no matter how bad the things happened in the past, time could and would heal the pain. You would not as angry as before, or disappointed, or anything else. Slowly, you would forgive. Because despite all the wrongdoing, there were still plenty of good things that happened beforehand and worth forgiveness.

I always remind myself that nothing is permanent. Every thing in this world is all impermanent. So, take it easy. Do not take it too hard. Because nothing will ever last. Not a thing, not people, not happiness, not health, it is nothing will last, really!!!

I was talking with myself too, as if I was talking with my friend, who was currently battling her life over her sickness. She was sleeping unconsciously, but I believed that she could see and hear what was going on around her. I just had a feeling that her time to go was there, but not knowing when. I talked to her as if she could listen to me, about everything I wanted her to know and listen. I wished her to be away from the pain and suffering, and to know what was going on inside her body. No one was able to say it directly to her and we all deceived ourselves hoping for miracle to come and save her. But it never came.

I turned my phone on again to check if there was any news before going to bed. No news was always good news. I turned it off and slept.

Rest well my friend.... See you again next time...

This morning I woke up very late. And when I turned my phone on again, I received messages, missed call. They said she had gone peacefully in her sleep, 4 am Bhutan time. I could only cry despite knowing that this day would come sooner or later. I could only pray for her, to be born in better world, have fate with Buddha Dhamma Sangha. Hope you can be happier out there... Rest in peace Tashi... Hope to see you again next time...